10 Loving and Lasting Things Every Husband Should Do (Wives, this is for you too)

No one wants to talk about the subject of death, especially your own death. Most people think it's something they will think about when they get "old" and that age keeps getting pushed back.  Statistics show that roughly 800,000 women will become widowed in the U.S. each year. Out of every 10 couples, 8 men will die before their wives. My husband did a lot of things right to take care of his family even though we never had any serious discussions about death. Since he died suddenly there was no opportunity to say goodbyes or make any plans. Yet he did a very good job taking care of us and laying out a plan. I can't wait to get to heaven, give him a big hug and tell him thank you for making this journey a little bit easier for us. I think as you read the following you will see the fingerprints of God even in the worst of circumstances.

1. Have a will and update it regularly. This will save your wife a lot of stress. Bob had our will updated less than 1 year before he passed away. He had me sit through the lengthy process even though it was confusing for me. I am so grateful.
2. Have enough life insurance. Can you imagine your wife having to look for a job (or figure out how to live on one income) while she is trying to manage what you both once managed, and be grieving as well? Get more than you think she'll need.
3.Have a safe place that your wife knows about where all important papers are kept. This should include will, life insurance policies, investments, instructions, etc. Bob had a lengthy list of everything on his computer. His office assistant knew where all the files were that matched everything on the computer list. What a blessing!
4. Make sure to have all your passwords in one place and make sure your wife knows where this is. Just a few months before he passed away he asked if he could write them all in my little password book. I have to believe God was a part of that!
5. Discuss funeral or memorial service plans. Do you want to be buried (and where) or cremated? We never discussed specifics but the boys and I had all heard him say at various times he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes spread in CO. It made it so easy for us. He had also attended a beautiful memorial service of a dear friend nearly 10 years prior so I knew he would want something similar. A service where God would be glorified and a life well lived would be celebrated.
6. If you own a business have an exit plan in place. Although Bob didn't have specific instructions he had enough things is place that the business could carry on. I also heard him say on several occasions that he felt surrounded by trusted people at the business so I knew I was in good hands. They have worked hard and carried on in a way he would be so proud of.
7. Have good friends. They will be helpful for your wife and children when you are gone. Bob & I had some great friends that have helped me so much, I can't imagine going through this without them.
8.. Leave a letter or video for your wife and children. Although Bob's death was sudden and because he was young this wasn't even anything we thought about but it is one thing I so wish I had. I can't know, but I think it would have helped me so much to have some last words. It is the one area I have really struggled with.  I recently watched a video a man in Iowa made, he was only in his 30's but had a dream he died so he got up and made a video for his family and locked it in a safe with their will. Several months later when he died in a plane crash she was startled to find it, but it brought her so much comfort. He talked about the important things as well as giving instructions for the future. I know this is hard to think about and even harder to do but I promise you it is something she will always treasure.
9. Live each day to the fullest, make great memories, never go to bed angry, and tell her you love her every day. Have no regrets. One memory I will always treasure is crawling back into bed with Bob  (after taking my son to 6 am baseball practice) that fateful morning and having some snuggle time before we started the day.
10. Love the Lord. Make sure you know where your going and that your family is secure in that too. I am so thankful that Bob had trusted Christ and had a personal relationship with Him. I can rest secure knowing I will see him again one day!

Disclaimer: I realize all families are different and many women manage the finances etc. I am just speaking from the heart about my experience. To the wives, you can make your own list of things you can do. I will just close by saying love your husbands well and let them know you appreciate all they do. You will never know till they are gone exactly how many areas they take care of or how intensely you will miss them.

Change

Change: The definition of change is:

"The act or instance of making or becoming different." Life is full of changes, some expected, some unexpected, some welcome and some not. In January of 2011 my life was full of changes, one son getting a sudden offer to play college football and leaving to move across the country in the middle of his senior year, another graduating from college and leaving to attend seminary out of state. Those changes, while never easy, are exciting and an expected part of life. We usually have time to prepare for them. Then suddenly, the biggest & most difficult change I have ever had to experience happened, the sudden loss of my husband. I was thrown into this world of widowhood with no preparation, no idea of how to function, a world outlined in shock and horror and grief. The only thing I knew to do was to cling to the only thing that is never changing- my Heavenly Father. The ways He carried and cared for me will have to wait for another blog. He never left me and I knew was the only thing I could truly count on. Looking back over the last 2+ years I realize something. Change wasn't an option. I could become bitter or I could become better but I could not stay the same. Staying the same is also not an option because you have just lost your other half- you can't even remember who you are anymore! I struggled to find my identity. That is actually an understatement and something that I am still in the process of searching for. A bit of advice I got at the beginning of this journey was to do the next thing. And so I did. Day after day, month after painful month, I kept pushing ahead. I attended Griefshare, started learning the business, read financial magazines, had soul searching chats with trusted friends, helped my boys. I stumbled, fell, got up, started again. Becoming bitter was not an option, I have been around bitter people and didn't want any part of that life. But change was necessary, I never felt I had a choice. I have changed in many ways. Some visible, some not so much. Change can be hard for those around us. It can be puzzling and maybe even scary. Some may wish we were the person we used to be. That's not possible because we no longer have the life we used to have. I am still adjusting to this new life, this new me. Some days I wonder if Bob would recognize me or what he would say. And so the changes continue. In the last 6 mos. I have gained 2 beautiful (inside & out!) daughter-in-laws. I am about to have a senior in high school and the empty nest will be here before I know it. I continue to learn new things. I don't know what the future holds but I do know two things: I can't stop change and the God of the universe, my Heavenly Father, has been constant through the ages and will never leave me. Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Thoughts

I've always wanted to have a blog but even when I created one I never seem to be able to find the time to write! However, I am going to try to make the time this year. I enjoy reading other's blogs and hear what God is teaching them. He's been teaching me alot too and so maybe this will be a place to share some of that.

I shared recently on facebook that I am starting to feel like I am seeing the light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I am feeling more hopeful, optimistic, and wanting to live again. I have been thinking on that, what does it mean to want to live again after you've lost the love of your life? For me it means realizing that my life here on earth didn't end when Bob's did and knowing that he would want me to live and not just "survive". It means being willing to embrace life again and look forward. I still have times when I miss Bob intensely and I think I probably always will. The grief journey is long and it's exhausting. However, I believe I didn't just happen to get to the point I'm at now. It's been 2 years of alot of hard work. Two years of many tears, many long conversations with friends, lots of journaling and lots of wrestling with God. What a journey it has been. The most amazing thing about the whole process is the ways I have seen God's continual care for me. He has carried me, cared for me, and never left my side. He has surrounded me with people who have been willing to walk this road alongside me.

I am thankful to be able to look forward and not have the future look so scary. I know I will still have hard days but my heart is full of gratitude that God has brought me to this point.

So, this year I hope to use this blog to share some lessons I've learned along the way and what God has been teaching me.