Change

Change: The definition of change is:

"The act or instance of making or becoming different." Life is full of changes, some expected, some unexpected, some welcome and some not. In January of 2011 my life was full of changes, one son getting a sudden offer to play college football and leaving to move across the country in the middle of his senior year, another graduating from college and leaving to attend seminary out of state. Those changes, while never easy, are exciting and an expected part of life. We usually have time to prepare for them. Then suddenly, the biggest & most difficult change I have ever had to experience happened, the sudden loss of my husband. I was thrown into this world of widowhood with no preparation, no idea of how to function, a world outlined in shock and horror and grief. The only thing I knew to do was to cling to the only thing that is never changing- my Heavenly Father. The ways He carried and cared for me will have to wait for another blog. He never left me and I knew was the only thing I could truly count on. Looking back over the last 2+ years I realize something. Change wasn't an option. I could become bitter or I could become better but I could not stay the same. Staying the same is also not an option because you have just lost your other half- you can't even remember who you are anymore! I struggled to find my identity. That is actually an understatement and something that I am still in the process of searching for. A bit of advice I got at the beginning of this journey was to do the next thing. And so I did. Day after day, month after painful month, I kept pushing ahead. I attended Griefshare, started learning the business, read financial magazines, had soul searching chats with trusted friends, helped my boys. I stumbled, fell, got up, started again. Becoming bitter was not an option, I have been around bitter people and didn't want any part of that life. But change was necessary, I never felt I had a choice. I have changed in many ways. Some visible, some not so much. Change can be hard for those around us. It can be puzzling and maybe even scary. Some may wish we were the person we used to be. That's not possible because we no longer have the life we used to have. I am still adjusting to this new life, this new me. Some days I wonder if Bob would recognize me or what he would say. And so the changes continue. In the last 6 mos. I have gained 2 beautiful (inside & out!) daughter-in-laws. I am about to have a senior in high school and the empty nest will be here before I know it. I continue to learn new things. I don't know what the future holds but I do know two things: I can't stop change and the God of the universe, my Heavenly Father, has been constant through the ages and will never leave me. Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Thoughts

I've always wanted to have a blog but even when I created one I never seem to be able to find the time to write! However, I am going to try to make the time this year. I enjoy reading other's blogs and hear what God is teaching them. He's been teaching me alot too and so maybe this will be a place to share some of that.

I shared recently on facebook that I am starting to feel like I am seeing the light at the end of this long dark tunnel. I am feeling more hopeful, optimistic, and wanting to live again. I have been thinking on that, what does it mean to want to live again after you've lost the love of your life? For me it means realizing that my life here on earth didn't end when Bob's did and knowing that he would want me to live and not just "survive". It means being willing to embrace life again and look forward. I still have times when I miss Bob intensely and I think I probably always will. The grief journey is long and it's exhausting. However, I believe I didn't just happen to get to the point I'm at now. It's been 2 years of alot of hard work. Two years of many tears, many long conversations with friends, lots of journaling and lots of wrestling with God. What a journey it has been. The most amazing thing about the whole process is the ways I have seen God's continual care for me. He has carried me, cared for me, and never left my side. He has surrounded me with people who have been willing to walk this road alongside me.

I am thankful to be able to look forward and not have the future look so scary. I know I will still have hard days but my heart is full of gratitude that God has brought me to this point.

So, this year I hope to use this blog to share some lessons I've learned along the way and what God has been teaching me.

Thoughts on Habakkuk

^{Habakkuk 3
17} Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
¹⁹ The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,^[e]
able to tread upon the heights.

Our sermon at church this morning went over Habakkuk. I have been thinking on it since, and some of those thoughts I don't want to think about. Habakkuk's life never got better. And in these verses we see him saying that even if things never get better he will still rejoice in the Lord. It made me think about my own situation. What if my life never gets better than it is at this moment? Will I continue to rejoice in the Lord? May it be so Lord. Now don't get me wrong, I have a good life and I have MUCH to be thankful for. I have 4 wonderful sons who are a great blessing to me. I have friends & family who love me and are always there for me. I have a "slice of heaven" in the mountains. Bob left our family well taken care of. But I miss him so! I miss my teammate, the one I shared my hopes, dreams, burdens, & fears with. I miss the future we planned and all the things we had yet to do. I miss crawling into bed at night and reviewing the day and planning the next one. I miss the one who always knew how to look at the bright side of things, my encourager, my glass half full guy. I miss the one that handled the difficult things I didn't want to handle. I could go on and on and on. I constantly miss him and there are reminders all around me of what I have lost. Some are expected and some come so unexpectedly they blindside me. And I don't know when or if it will ever get better. I pray that God will give me the strength He gave Habakkuk and that I will rejoice in the Lord the rest of my days. After all, He has brought me this far. :)

Heaven

I have thought about heaven a lot the last 17 months. Now that my precious husband resides there it is often on my mind.  On my walk this morning with the Colorado mountains all around me so many questions of heaven were circulating through my brain. So many questions and not enough answers. I have read several books on heaven, all of which make me think of it more. Shouldn't we all be thinking more about heaven? It is our eternal home! When I take a trip (which I love to do!) I love to plan and prepare for what I will do, the sights I will see, the things I will enjoy, the experiences that await. Shouldn't we be doing the same in preparation for heaven? After all, if we've trusted Jesus as our Saviour and made Him the Lord of our life, it is our final destination! I long for that trip!          

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard,
and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared
for those who love him.”
^{1 Corinthians 2:9}

I have toyed with the idea of writing a blog on & off for several years. In fact I created a blog called "Mountaintop Living" but never stuck with it. I'm not sure why I am finally getting it started now (when I am busier than ever!) but I just feel it's something I need to do. This blog will be called "Through the Valley" because that's where this season of life finds me, in the valley. I don't have any special plans for this and am not even sure how often I will post, I just want to write as random things pop into my head. A friend gave me a sign recently that says, "The God of the Mountain is Still the God of the Valley". That is so true.

This morning finds me having a peaceful morning in Colorado. I brought my journal from last summer with me because there are times when I feel like I am not making any progress gettting through this valley. As I sat and read through last summer's entries I realized that I have moved, even though it feels like one small, painful baby step at a time. Some of those steps are backwards and sometimes I fall on my behind. But God is leading me through this valley.

One of my entries was on the goodness of God. A friend had commented on facebook that her son's latest tests came back cancer free and she said, "God is Good!" I thought to myself, would God still have been good even if the report showed more cancer?

I have been walking this road of grief for 17 mos. now. 17 very long, hard, painful, exhausting, and difficult months. Has God been good to me? You bet He has! He has never left me, most of the time He has carried me, he has given me help, hope, rest, encouragement, comfort, safety, and most of all met me right where I'm at and showed me His love for me in too many ways to count. God is good!